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It’s hard to imagine that I was at MIT for 5 years of my life. I immersed myself in a lot of different ideas, topics, subjects, activities, but even then, I never felt like I did enough and there was always another thing I could’ve done. In truth, I could probably live 100 lifetimes at this place and I would still find something to think about or to occupy my time.

Though, to be honest, by the time graduation came, I did feel pretty burnt out. I struggled for years trying to find my footing, and it felt like every semester presented a challenge that needed to be overcome. That being said, I have always been insistent on trying again. I hate just giving up and throwing in the towel. If there’s an issue, I’d like to understand it. If I can approach something differently, I’ll try what’s suggested or something that I can come up with. And the unfortunate part of all of these challenges were the fact that they were all interpersonal at their core. Sometimes, this did impact academic-related things, but the technical aspect was always managed. “I Hate This Fucking Place” or IHTFP was certainly present for me for much of my experience, though if I were to go back, I don’t think I would have chose anywhere else to be. The MIT undergrad (might decide to try to come back for a full doctorate!) years were tough beyond belief due to my internal struggles, but I still want to keep trudging forward. 

As per how I titled this, I plan on spewing out into the world my thoughts on my own graduation photos and the memories associated with them. I plan on recounting the other aspects of my journey sometime later on, but I think that will be a much longer and more refined piece. 

For graduation, I expected a pretty standard group: my brother and my parents. I am glad that they were able to come, and I appreciate that fact quite a lot. Though, I admittedly had a slight moment of hesitation on the night before I saw my family (they were there Thursday and Friday). Among a few other reasons, I avoided going home a lot because I never enjoyed the familial arguments, which seemed to intensify the longer that I lived away from home. Arguments that, in most cases, had no justifiable reason to occur. Graduation, I hoped, would be different.

That Thursday was actually quite nice. My family and I got brunch at the Tatte near the Prudential and walked around a bit in the area. I introduced them to my (now) former research supervisor, and then, we attended the commencement speech in the on-and-off again rainy conditions. Commencement was alright (certainly not as good as the previous year’s). We ended the day with dinner at Buttermilk and Bourbon. Overall, I thought it was nice, but there was a bit of tension in the room. My grandmother hasn’t been doing the best these days, and it turned out that she needed to be hospitalized a few months back. No one told me before that night though, which sucks.

On the Friday of Graduation, it was an early day. It was an almost cathartic experience. Many of the people that I used to know were now gone, moving on to accomplish other things in their lives. I worked the previous three graduations and saw 3000+ undergrads and God knows how many graduate students walk across the stage. Now, it was my time to have that experience, an experience which I had seen so many other people ahead of me have.

In getting the diploma, it was exciting. I smiled that day, and I’m not quite sure how often I had been the previous year. But that day was naturally brimming with excitement from everyone. You can feel the energy from the countless other people that you know alongside their families and supporters.

The ceremony concluded around noon EST. After that, there were lunch receptions held on campus for graduates and guests. Killian was crazy, as it always is at this time. Not really the best time for taking pictures as you are trying to fight against many moving pieces. For us, this meant getting lunch and then getting ready for more professional pictures that I had scheduled for 1 PM.

We entered the lunch reception at Kresge, got the food, and found a table to stand at. At that point though, my day just came crashing down. My father was not talking, and soon after, without saying anything, just stormed off from the tent where lunch was being provided. As my mom tried to explain, there was frustration on my dad’s end since we didn’t stop for pictures from the time of leaving Killian Court to entering the lunch tent. A little silly because so many other people were stopping for pictures and we had a time limit to run against, but I guess that was enough to justify storming out. And according to my brother, my dad, in his frustration, also said to him in the context of this, “why shouldn’t it be my [dad’s] day?” And while I do understand that sentiment and appreciate the sacrifices that were made, it really just took away from that day feeling like it could be mine. It really didn’t help that I could look around me and see people that I knew taking pictures with their loved ones and friends.

After that, we tried to take some photos before the photoshoot (which had been delayed to 1:30), but my father didn’t smile in them. And this didn’t get better until part way through my photoshoot, but even then, there was no real happy smile. 

Near midnight that day, my brother called me to notify me of a fight between them immediately after they got home. A fight where it was brought up that we were “too American” for him. And to honest, I just couldn’t handle it at that point.

I struggled so fucking hard for 5 years up until that point at MIT, and I thought that maybe I could have one day where I could be content about my situation and be proud of how far I have come. 

The more I really have thought about it, the more that I have realized how difficult it has been to talk about. I think the way I have been thinking about it recently has come in this form: in carrying my emotional and mental state, I feel like I have served the role that should have been carried by a brother or parents and that most of the advice in these personal problems ends up coming from myself. I observe a lot about people and the ways they react in response to certain things, and I think a lot about this has affected relationships.

I regret a lot of things throughout the years. These things that I said or did that pissed people off or made them uncomfortable and drove them away. I’m pissed at myself for not seeking the proper help that I needed for a long time, and while I do think that I am overall in a better state than I have been, I am quite exhausted. I am trying, every single day, to be a better person and to reach the goals that I have. That part will not end. 

My time as an MIT undergrad, though, did end. These years have changed me a lot. They’ve proven to me that I am able to keep carrying myself through whatever circumstances I find myself in. With graduation (and any other sort of celebratory or holiday thing), I feel like I always had to feel them out on my own. 

I didn’t look at my graduation photos for a month because I didn’t want to relive the disappointment I felt that day. I didn’t want to think about the invisible struggle that went on. 

I care a lot though, and while my experiences haven’t felt happy, I do appreciate the people that I have met. It’s never just one simple emotion or one simple explanation for things. While I am disappointed with my father for acting that way on graduation, those sets of actions aren’t an indictment on his whole character. I appreciate the sacrifices that were made, but I can appreciate them while acknowledging the damage that I have felt. 

Life is hard. Everyone goes through their own invisible struggles. Everyone has their own demons that they’re fighting against. And I think more than ever, I just wish people were better to each other. Communication is also hard, but that is so vital for ensuring that things are the way you wish them to be. 

Was I happy with my graduation? It’s complicated. I would lean towards no overall, but I know I learned a lot. I learned more about myself and the war that’s waged inside my head. I realized a few key insights on my own character. And to me, that’s why I keep living. To keep learning more about myself and this world and the people around me.

Apologies for the raw and long-winded writing! Tyler, signing off.